Love, Love, Love, that is the soul of genius.~ Mozart.

 

So I was reminded by my good friend Keegan, awhile back, that probably one of the most socially inept moments Ive ever experienced in my life was a statement I made to my ex-girlfriend, DeAnna, that said I know I loved you because I look up the meaning in Oxfords dictionary and the bible. As he and everyone else knows who is reading this you cant define Love from a book. You have to feel Love, and when it is there you just know. But what if you know wrong?

My daughters mother I knew I was supposed to be with her when I was, however, when we found out we couldnt Love each other, then she got pregnant, and I went through Loves hell. I never can speculate as to if she did or did not Love me (my guess is she didnt but who knows) However, I know I Loved her. I Loved what we couldve had, I Loved what we did have, and then I Loved when she stopped tormenting me and left. I Loved her so much that when I couldnt Love her anymore, I said I never Loved her. A common defense mechanism that works.

I only had to resort to that following one other separation of Love and that was Tevis. She was my first live in girlfriend and I was sure we were going to be together forever. Then being that I was 18 and she was 17 reality hits you and knocks you on your ass, and you realize, you, must know I, to know I Love, anything. And for us at those ages we didnt have a full grasp on that whole I part.

Before that, I Loved two women romantically enough to where they changed me. I often write that I lost my innocence from fighting and gangs but I will never forget the real moment. I was alone on my couch and Crissy just couldnt put up with my paranoia (I did have a right to be paranoid because she was hooking up with someone else, lllooonnnggg story that is irrelevant to the topic of Love) She stated we were through and she wasnt going to take me back from the last time I dumped her. A black cloud seemed to overcome my body in the dark of night to where its blackness was so oppressive it stood out from the night as black. I didnt know how I was going to wake up in the morning, much less function if I did.

Through childhood development, research has found that all people learn themselves through their family first, which is influenced from societal norms, then we go out to our peers full of what we think everyone is only to be taught differently. I was always taught Love conquers all and when I Loved Crissy and it didnt work I no longer wanted to believe in any thing I thought was self-evident, when one is cynical and wondering about everything they know, that is the loss of innocence because innocence is happy and free of the doubt that pervades the adult.